TWILIGHT: Chapter 22-Hide and Seek

CHAPTER SUMMARY: Bella generally acts stupid and does what the villian tells her. Then she gets herself almost killed.

NOTES/THOUGHTS/REACTIONS:
We begin by something that is dumb:

It had taken much less time than I'd thought-all the terror, the despair,
the
shattering of my heart. THe minutes were ticking by more slowly than
usual.
From Twilight, page 433

So...wait, what? It didn't take as long as you'd thought but then it seemed to go on forever? That makes no freaking sense. Much like this whole scenario but whatever. Also, overdramatic much? All she's doing is driving to the freaking airport. She hasn't even encountered the villian yet so she shouldn't be terrified, and I won't even get into how the heck her heart can be shattered when nothing has happened to shatter it. Unless I'm missing something. Which means that Meyer did a crappy job of explaining things in the first place.
But anyway, all this overdramatic talking turns out to just be Bella writing the letter and walking back outside. Where, oh look, Alice is having ANOTHER vision. Sure is having them pretty frequently all of a sudden. Bella immediately assumes that the guy is hurting her mother even though he said he had no interest in hurting her. Bella's mind really does tend to go to the worst possible scenario, doesn't it?
As Jasper goes...and does something, Bella asks Alice how her visions work. Apparently she can see weather easier then people because that's more certain...um...I'm sure every weather person on the planet would highly disagree with that statement but whatever. Apparently she can only see the course they're on, while they're on it. If they make a decision, that shifts it...or something. That makes no sense and I'm curious as to why she can't see Bella's decision then. We probably won't get the answer though, and it'll probably be something like: Bella's so smart she figured out a way around it, or she's just special that way.
Anyway, after that really confusing and nonsense explanation (further proving to me that this vision thing is crap) they leave for the airport. Insert descriptions here as Bella escapes using...another exit in the girls bathroom. Um...I must be confused you see, all the bathrooms I've been too in airports have one exit? But whatever, this must be a special case or I've been to the wrong airports, and anyway she does this not so clever ruse and manages to get away from Jasper and Alice who probably equal worse bodyguards ever.
Long description of Bella getting on a bus and then on a taxi, who complains about how long it is until Bella tosses eighty dollars at him. This must be a really cheap taxi because for me to take a taxi to work, which is ten miles away, is ten dollars, for my Mom to her work, which is fifteen, it's twenty. So yeah...something is not adding up there and I'm betting it's Meyer who has probably never taken a taxi in her life. This is especially apparent in the fact that the driver complains about how long it is. Most taxi drivers will say, "you got money? Okay!"
During the drive, she naturally thinks about...what else, Edward. Not the danger she's in, or coming up with a plan to get her and her mother to safety. She thinks about her boyfriend and his looks. Obsessed much, Bella?
So Bella gets to her house and oh look, Mom isn't there. Calls the bad guy and again does what he says without checking. I'm sorry, it never occured to her to CALL PHIL? Because you know, maybe he's concerned about where his wife is? If she had called him, she would have realized her mother was safe and all of this could have been avoided. Plus, wouldn't she be suspicious about the fact that there is no apparent struggle in the house? I swear Bella is the dumbest heroine ever. But we can't have our heroine be smart, because then how could Meyer write about Edward swooping in to save her? Again.
Anyway, insert vivid description of street as Bella walks to the studio. She gets there and what do you know? Turns out the villian used a video tape of her mother to lure Bella there. Which she would have known, had she called Phil and checked. Like I said, I nominate Bella for dumbest heroine ever.
But Bella doesn't think about how stupid she was. No. Our Mary Sue feels calm and here is where Meyer tries to make her out to be martyr like and seem selfless but to me it just makes her seem a) dumb, and b) kind of suicidal. Seriously, look at this sentence:

What did it matter now? Charlie and Mom would never be harmed, would never
have to fear. I felt almost giddy.
From Twilight, page 445

...I'm sorry, you should not be so accepting about your imminate death so quickly. I don't care HOW freaking selfless you susposedly are. I think we've all pretty much established that Bella is NOT selfless. This is why at this point, I'm wondering if Bella is a little suicidal. It would kind of explain all her stupid decisions to just stand there while danger is staring her in the face and rapidly approaching.
So while, Bella is basically just standing there, James...starts monologuing. No, I swear. He does the number one thing that is the downfall of every stupid villian in history (had Meyer seen the Incredibles, which I doubt she has, she would know monologuing villians are bad and corny). So we get a page and a half of James talking about how brilliant he is and how easy and stupid she was (that part I agree with) and in classic villianry, he wants to videotape her demise and leave it for Edward to watch.
Did Meyer have a Lifetime movie marathon or something before she wrote this? Because seriously, the cliche's in here make those look downright oscar worthy. As if this isn't bad enough, guess what? James knows Alice's backstory! Coincidence, no? A smarter writer would have left Alice's back story for her to find out in the next book, but no, Meyer has to kill all interest in minor characters right off the bat so we can focus on Mary Sue and Gary Stu.
Well...after that, it finally occurs to Bella to maybe try and escape (she doesn't do it while he's monologuing but while his attention is on her, again, stupidest heroine ever) and of course he catches her and actually causes her pain! Chapter ends with her losing conciousness and drifting.

WORD LIST: genteel

BOOK THAT IS BETTER: The True Confessions of Charlotte Doyle by Avi
WHY IT IS BETTER: Charlotte is an awesome heroine and ten times more intelligent then Bella Sue. She starts out as really naive and kind of dumb, but she grows throughout the book and gains intelligence and actually earns the crew's respect and ultimately the reader's respect. It's a really cool book about how a naive girl becomes an awesome sailor and even better person.

TWILIGHT: Chapter 21-Phone Call

CHAPTER SUMMARY: Bella gets a phone call from the bad guy and in a over obvious cliche comes up with a stupid plan to go to him.

NOTES/THOUGHTS/REACTIONS:
Bella wakes up in the hotel room again, insert description of her movements here. Then she sees Alice and Jasper awake and it turns out Alice has had another vision and for some reason it's of Bella's house (though she calls it her mother's house, weird, since I'm sure she lived there as well but whatever) and I have to say, I don't get how Alice had this vision at all because if you read the later on, THEY NEVER GO THERE. More evidence that these visions are crap.
Bella comes to the conclusion that the bad guy is there for her mother. Again, I wonder, how did the guy even FIND OUT about her mother? He didn't strike me as the kind to have access to human technology which is what it would take for him to find out about her mother, but I'm sure Meyer didn't think about that little detail. Like she didn't think about half of the nonsensical stuff going on in here. This is why you have to think when you're writing.
Well, Bella goes into hysterical mode again. Though at least this time it's a little bit more justified then the last time. Though she still manages to make it about herself:

"And what if you get hurt, Alice? Do you think that's okay with me? Do you
think it's only my human family he can hurt me with?"
From Twilight, page 425

I'm sure Meyer was trying to make this sound sweet and whatnot but considering Bella has spent little to no time with the rest of the Cullens, I think calling them family which is being implied here, is more then just a little bit of a stretch.
Jasper tries to calm her down with his gift, and oh look, Mary Sue can somehow withstand his gift. There really is nothing this girl can't do, isn't there? Never mind that Jasper was trying to help her, but no he's a big meanie for not letting her vent. She then proceeds to go to her room and sit and stare at the wall and rock back and forth. Because that is so much better then falling asleep. God, this girl is pathetic. I understand panicing when your mom is in danger, but at least do something while you're worrying and don't just sit there and worry about how it's going to make YOU feel if people get hurt.
Of course, since she knows Edward is coming, that is the only light in all of this. So she basically is going to wait until he comes. Sexist points for this, Meyer. You have made your Mary Sue the typical weepy, wait until my prince has come, princess stereotype. Congratulations. Of course, I know princesses (including Disney versions) who do more then Bella has done this whole book.
Then comes the phone call. At first it is Bella's mom who is frantic with worry and Bella rolls her eyes saying she tried to leave a message that wouldn't cause this panic. Um...let's look at the message Bella left, shall we?:

"Mom," I said after the beep, "it's me. Listen, I need you to do something.
It's important. As soon as you get this message, call me at this number." Alice
was already at my side, writing the number for me on the bottom of her picture.
I read it carefully, twice. "Please don't go anywhere until you talk to me.
Don't worry, I'm okay, but I have to talk to you right away, no matter how late
you get this call, all right? I love you, Mom. Bye."
From Twilight, page 421

Now, I am no parent, but were I one and my kid left me that message I would be pretty worried too. I would be thinking someone had died or something. So Bella's Mom is perfectly within her rights to be worried, Bella did not leave a message that would be "as unalarming as possible" and frankly, she is your mother Bella, she is going to worry no matter what message you leave. So once more, Bella is being kind of a bitch. To her own mother this time who is supposedly her "best friend".
But turns out that now, the bad guy is on the phone. Now, at this point, I'd be a little suspicious and would demand to talk to my mother again, but Bella does none of these things. She just does what the man who supposedly (really, she doesn't even ask for evidence!) has her mother. Now here, I admit, Meyer does a pretty good job and making the villian seem creepy and dangerous. Unfortunately, she doesn't back this up with good villianry because it basically is solved in one chapter. You'll see later.
So she repeats what the bad guy tells her too and basically fall right into her hands. This girl has clearly seen no thrillers/mysteries. You NEVER do what a kidnapper (or possible kidnapper in this case) tells you to do. You come up with an alternate plan to trick the guy and capture him in his own game. But no. Bella doesn't think of this. She immediately goes into martyr mode (bad and eye-roll worthy martyr mode) and does what he says. She leaves Edward a cliche letter and prepares to do what the man says without telling any of the others. Can we say stupid heroine?

WORD LIST: lethargy

BOOK THAT IS BETTER: The Graveyard Book by Neil Gaiman
WHY IT IS BETTER: Well, other then the fact that Neil Gaiman is an awesome writer, this one actually has a decent and creepy villian. James? Total fail next to this guy. Actually, he's a total fail next to any villian including Sauron from Lord of the Rings and especially Lord Voldemort from Harry Potter.

TWILIGHT: Chapter 20-Impatience

CHAPTER SUMMARY: Bella, Alice, and Jasper hang out in a hotel room. Alice has a vision that is another abuse of foreshadow and that is pretty much it.

NOTES/THOUGHTS/REACTIONS:
Bella wakes up in a place she doesn't recognize and goes 'duh, I'm in a hotel room. Then she says she doesn't remember how she got there but then we get two to three pages describing the tjourney. I'm sorry, but how the hell did they get from Washington, State to Phoenix, Arizona in like one day? That's impossible, no matter how fast you're driving and if they were going fast, why the hell weren't they ticketed? I'm assuming they went through California to get there and I can tell you: they ticket in California in a heartbeat.
Besides that, do we even really need this long narration about how they got to Phoenix? No. Why? Because it has nothing to do with the basic storyline. Meyer could have summed this all up in one or two paragraphs but as usual, she goes on, and on, and oh look; I'm bored. Again.
After the long narration of what she doesn't remember, we get the mandatory description of the hotel room. Apparently the hotel room's digital clock is broken because it evidently doesn't have an AM or a PM that pretty much all digital clocks have nowadays so Bella doesn't know if it's night or day. It is night, apparently. More avid description of Bella's daily activities and Alice arrives and they go into a hotel suite. Um...this must be a really fancy I-Ten, because all the cheap hotels like this and the similar ones I've been too do not have hotel suites. It is one bed or two bed rooms, amen.
Anyway, it turns out Carlisle hasn't called yet and Bella immediately goes into emo mode:

My voice had grown higher, a note of hysteria beginning to rise in it. "How
could I live with myself when it's my fault?"
From Twilight, page 410

This is of course, a blatant attempt by Meyer to gain sympathy for her Mary-Sue. Unfortunately, it is one of the most overused ways to gain sympathy for a character so it ends up making me roll my eyes instead. Never mind the fact that once again, Bella has made it all about herself.
Alice and Jasper immediately go to reassure their Sue that she is of course, worth it. Insert overdramatic speech about how much Bella has changed Edward and how grateful they all are (sans Roselie but remember, she's a jealous harpy) and so on and so forth. Yet another overused plot device, this time the overuse is in romance books/movies (I've watched many a Lifetime movie that has spouted this line and those were better written then this crap).
After, we get long narration about them waiting for Carlisle to call. Instead of impatience, this chapter should have been called Waiting, or Boredom. Because that's all that happens here. Anyway, Alice follows Bella into her room and Bella suddenly assumes they are BFFs, and therefore she is perfectly within her rights to ask Alice (who she's just had a conversation with like what, a week ago?) how she became a vampire. Alice worries that Edward will be angry and I have no clue why she should care. Also, Bella does not have a right to know, because again: they barely know each other. But Alice proceeds to tell her. She doesn't remember how she actually became a vampire. Funny how none of them actually remember, yet we get the gist of the story anyway. Personally I think they don't remember because Meyer is too chicken to write about the blood part. But that's just my opinion so don't take it seriously. Wouldn't surprise me if it were true though.
So instead of a dark grim tale, Alice starts off by basically bragging about how super cool awesome vampires are. Then she goes on to say that apparently they all have venom. That doesn't kill, it just incapacitates. Um...I watched a show on Discovery Channel once that mentioned that pretty much all creatures who secrete a sort of venom, have fangs because they need a way to secrete it in the first place. So how exactly do the Cullens have venom when THEY DON'T HAVE FANGS? God, Meyer, do some freaking research especially if you're going to try and use science to explain your crap.
After the bragging, Alice conveniently says she doesn't remember anything about being human. Okay. This is kind of interesting. Way more interesting then Bella and Edward. Were I Meyer I would have done the next book about Alice finding out her history and the consequences that come from that. But know, the series continues to focus on boring Mary Sue and Gary Stu instead. I've said it before and I'll say it again: this series had a lot of potential to be freaking awesome. Unfortunately, the wrong writer got the idea for it and this crap is what we get instead.
Anyway, after we learn basically nothing about Alice and her backstory, she has a vision. The bad guy has apparently come and is in a mirror room....okay. Of course, right after this, Carlisle calls. Bella and Edward speak. James got away. Somehow, he not only knows about Edward's gift, he knew the range of it and how to avoid it. When exactly and how did he find this out, I wonder? But point is, James is now in Phoenix, cue cheesy dialogue between our lovers about staying safe and you've taken my soul away. No seriously, that's in there:

"I miss you," I whispered.
"I know, Bella. Believe me, I know. It's like you've taken half my self
away with you."
From Twilight, page 418

God, and I thought the dialogue in Titanic was cheesy. Anyway, heartfelt conversation ends, Bella is depressed again, and then oh look: Alice can draw! She conveniently has been able to draw the room in her vision and of course, Bella recognizes it. See, our Miss Sue not only can cook well and took music lessons, she took dancing lessons as well (considering this doesn't seem anything she would be remotely interested in, I have no clue why she would) and this room just happens to be the studio she took lessons at. Somehow she has such an amazing memory, she can remember every part of the room and even remembers the school's address! Let me ask you, did any of you even KNOW the address to a place you happened to be taking lessons at? Much less remember it ten years later? No? I thought not.
But Bella of course, says this probably has nothing to do with her. Which is bull because she is a Mary Sue, it is ALL going to have to do with her eventually. Even readers who don't know she's a Mary Sue are going to roll their eyes at this because it obviously has something to do with her. Bella somehow ends up worrying about her mom (still not sure how, but it's nice to see her worry about someone other then herself and the Cullens for a change) and so calls to leave her a long and confusing message. Then she goes to bed and boring chapter finally ends.

WORD LIST: glut, superfluous
BOOK THAT IS BETTER: The Princess Bride by William Goldman
WHY IT IS BETTER: To those who have seen the movie, I probably do not need to explain the awesomeness that is the Princess Bride. This is humorous satire at it's best and is even better then the movie. The movie left a lot of the background stuff out and it didn't have the hysterical narration and funny author notes that the book did.

TWILIGHT: Chapter 19-Goodbyes

CHAPTER SUMMARY: Bella and the others put her plan in motion and she is basically jerked around a lot after yelling at her father. I meanwhile am wondering why all this is even taking place and why they don't just kill James there and get it over with. On a brighter note: Merry Christmas, everyone!

NOTES/THOUGHTS/REACTIONS:
We are back at Bella's house, she is dismayed to find out Charlie waited up for her, because you know he's a decent dad. This is forgotten though as she and Edward exchange corny goodbyes that is cut short when Bella goes into dramatic-actress mode. See, her master plan to get her father to let her leave is to hurt his feelings. She basically finally acts like the brat that she actually is. The sad part is that the whole time she's acting here? I finally feel like she's acting like herself. I'm thinking that's not supposed to be the case and that this is the mark of a bad character. Or badly written character at least.
But anyway, Bella acts like her actual bratty self and here's the gist of it:
Charlie: biwildered
Bella: I'm going HOME, dad
Charlie: ;still biwildered; Did Edward break up with you? (even though you just basically got together?)
Bella: NO, you idiot, I broke up HIM. Therefore I must go HOME!
Charlie: ;still biwildered;
Bella: I hate stupid Forks! I'm leaving!
Charlie: ;now butthurt;
Many, many, many things are wrong with this. First, I STILL don't know why the hell she can't just stay in Forks and let the Cullens kill James. Second, Bella is a bitch, but we already knew that. Third, I don't care how angry your seventeen year old is. You do not let an angry teenager out late at night, PERIOD. You certainly don't let them drive off to Phoenix, late at night. When I was a teen I would never have dreamed of saying "I'm going off to Phoenix, now. Bye." No parent would put up with that crap. Hell, if I said half the things Bella said to her Dad here I would be so grounded it isn't funny. But apparently Meyer has never heard of grounding. When her kids get to be teenagers, she'll know about grounding. The last thing that bugs me? Bella was really young when she and her Mom left, right? So how is it she remembers exactly what Renee told Charlie the night they left? Was she even there when they left?
But whatever, apparently this all makes sense in Meyer's head. Bella runs to her car, leaving behind a bewildered Charlie. I also must point out that this scenario is not only stupid, but not possible:

His hands unexpectedly gripped my waist, and his foot pushed mine off the
gas pedal. He pulled me across his lap, wrenching my hands free of the wheel,
and suddenly he was in the driver's seat. The truck didn't even swerve an
inch.
From Twilight, page 395

In what universe is Meyer living in? If there is even a moment where the drivers hands are not on the wheel, THE CAR WILL SWERVE. So unless we're now saying that Edward has telekinesis (which wouldn't surprise me, he is a Gary Stu), there is no possible way that car wouldn't have swerved at all. This is just plain STUPID. Not to mention it is dangerous to inturrupt a driver while they are driving. I sincerely hope Meyer does not have a license, what with all the rules of the road she clearly has no problem disregarding.
There is a brief worry about Charlie (but it's for like a second) and then Bella is back to worrying about herself and Edward. Heartfelt words are exchanged between our lovers as they worry (well, Bella mostly) about being seperated because you know, a few days is SO long. Bella wonders why this is happening to her and Edward has no answer (because really, there is no good reason for this to be happening to Bella) other then the usual: it is HIS fault. Because he didn't just let James at Bella, this is happening to her. The other reason is her smell. She basically brought all of this on herself due to smelling so delicious. Kind of reminds me of those jerks who try to blame girls for getting raped. "Well it's their own fault, they were just so damn hot. They were basically asking me to jump them!" I'm sure Meyer did not intend for it to sound like this, but that is what it reminds me of.
Also during this we learn that the only way to kill vampires is to tear them to shreds and then burn the pieces. No stakes, no burning in the sun, none of the stuff that makes sense. Just this. Meyer has basically taken all the things that were cool and intriguing about vamps and made them...Mary-Sues.
Bella worries about Edward and he tells her to quit it and to not do anything reckless. I'm sorry, but what gave him the impression that she was reckless? I haven't gotten that from her, unless you count her falling in love right off the bat. But that's not recklessness, that's human teenage hormones being mistaken as love. She isn't the first to do that.
Now they are back at the Cullens and Laurent is there. Turns out, he's actually not in charge of the coven, James is. Easy mistake to make, though I have no idea why the coven felt the need to hide their leader in the first place but whatever.
Laurent apologizes, questions what I've been thinking which is, why is Bella even worth this? Edward is enraged, even though it's a fair point on his part. There's nothing remotely special about her. He leaves, saying he's going to head North and to not underestimate James.
The Cullens plan and Edward asks Roselie to help Bella and she refuses, asking why should she, and again it is a fair point. I also must say this doesn't equal jealousy either. Roselie has valid reasons not to like Bella: since she has been there the Cullens have been put into danger, and there's a good chance that if something happens to her, it will break Edward. So yeah, I think Roselie has a perfectly legit reason not to like Bella. Of course since no one is allowed to dislike Bella in this book, Roselie is made out to be a jealous harpy.
So, Edward snubs her and asks Esme to help Bella. Esme picks up Bella who apparently has forgotten to walk on her own and heads up the stairs. They exchange cloths to confuse the tracker's scent and Alice comes up and then they carry Bella again because she apparently still can't use her legs. Esme and Roselie take her truck, Alice and Jasper take the Mercedes (yes, that's ANOTHER car, the count's at what, four?) and then Edward and Carlisle take the Jeep.
Another heartrenching goodbye between our lovers and then Bella is carried once more (by Alice) to the car. The end of this chapter. Thank God.

BOOK THAT IS BETTER: The Last Unicorn by Peter S. Beagle
WHY IT IS BETTER: It just is. There has never been another story like this before and the ending is bittersweet but realistic. The romance between Smederick and Molly Gru is wonderful and sweet and they are a ten times better couple then Bella-Sue and Edward-Stu. Also, good writing and unforgettable characters.

TWILIGHT: Chapter 18-The Hunt

CHAPTER SUMMARY: Cullens and Bella, please meet actual vampires...sort of. Actual vampires meet Cullens and human girl...opps, vampires now want her blood. Now what?

NOTES/THOUGHTS/REACTIONS:
We get vivid description of the new vampires entering the field. For some reason when I read this, I keep thinking of that one them that plays when Darth Vader comes on the screen in Star Wars (original trilogy, folks; not whiny kid Vader). Don't know why, but that is the music that pops into my head when I picture this. I'm sure that was not Meyer's intention, but it is there nonetheless (not entirely her fault, my mind works in weird ways).
So Storm Troopers...I mean vampires arrive and pleasantries are exchanged. One thing confuses me. How is it that the Cullens are the only vampires in the Olympic Peninsula? Weren't we told somewhere that vampires tend to seek out rainy and cloudy places? The Cullens can't be the only ones to know that Forks and the surrounding area fit that description, so why aren't there more of them there?
Well, that plothole aside, a breeze lifts Bella's hair and the vamps all suddenly get a whiff of her and realize she's human (the fact that she doesn't have gold or black eyes apparently wasn't enough of a give away, or you know the fact that she was breathing). The vamps leave after the leader says so, promising not to hurt Bella (yeah, right), and then Edward plays cave man again and carries Bella through the forest.
She gets thrown into the car (because she apparently cannot walk) and is strapped in (because apparently she can't move her own hands either) and Alice and Emmett join them in the Jeep. Edward starts to drive away from Forks. Bella suddenly somehow gains a backbone (FINALLY!) and tells Edward to take her home. This continues back and forth for awhile (take me home, NO, take me home, NO too dangerous). Bella rages at this because she doesn't want the Cullens to leave on her account because you see that would bring her guilt and we can't have miss Sue feeling guilty over something, can we? Even more shocking then the actual standing up for herself is that she realizes that James, being a tracker, will follow her scent to her Father. She actually WORRIES about him. Wow, who is this girl and what has she done with Bella?
So much arguing takes place over what to do now that James is after Bella. I must admit I finally am kind of curious about what will happen. I mean, there's actual danger here! An actual possibility that Bella might get hurt (please, please, please!) and actual excitement. It's about damn time.
Even more shocking, Bella comes up with a plan! She does have a brain! Although, I honestly don't really get the whole point of going all the way to Phoenix but whatever. I mean, honestly, she could just wait with the Cullens and they could battle it out with James since that is what it is going to come too anyway. But then the book would be over and this would prove that there is no plot I guess.
So anyway, basic gist of the plan is this: Bella tells her dad she's going to Phoenix and leaves, Edward and company stay behind so Charlie doesn't get suspicious and think they kidnapped her (why he would think that if she left on her own I don't know, but whatever), and then Edward will meet her in Phoenix and then Jasper and Alice (who are going to accompany her) can go home. Then apparently her plan was to just stay there....which again, they could seriously just do in Forks. But whatever.
So that's it, end of chapter. Nice thing about all this action is, that I notice these chapters are getting shorter. I also must note, that this part made me love Alice:

"Can you handle this?" he asked.
And graceful little Alice pulled back her lips in horrific grimace and let
loose with a guttural snarl that had me cowering against the seat in
terror.
From Twilight, page 389

Finally, a woman who calls Edward on his sexist ways. Of course I believe this is the only time it ever happens so it becomes meaningless but still, it was nice for a change. I'm also pretty sure Meyer didn't intend for it to sound like Alice was telling him to stop being a sexist jerk. But it came off that way to me. Alice is another character who could have been awesome if another writer had written this or Meyer had a friend tell her what decent female heroines are supposed to be like.

WORDS A TEENAGER WOULD NEVER SAY/WORDS USED WRONG/WORDS THAT JUST DON'T BELONG OR LOOK RIGHT: urbane, pallor

BOOK THAT IS BETTER THEN TWILIGHT: The Chronicles of Prydain series by Lloyd Alexander.
WHY IT IS BETTER: For those who have no idea what this series is, I will name the second book for you: The Black Cauldron. All clear now? Good. Most don't realize that Black Cauldron is actually a second book in a series and I personally blame Disney for that. Not only did they do a lousy adaptation, but they totally screwed up continuity (and left out characters).
But anyway, that's a whole other rant, the book series is ten times better and follows Taran as he goes from pig keeper to adventurer, to knight, and eventually to King. No seriously, he becomes King. Something Disney doesn't even bother with. For those wondering how, read the books. Also, Eilownwy? Ten times more awesome then the Disney version (although she was kick butt too).

TWILIGHT: Chapter 17-The Game

CHAPTER SUMMARY: The vampires play...baseball...for no reason that I can see, and ;gasp; something actually HAPPENS! That doesn't include Bella and Edward staring into each others eyes! Too bad about it turning out to be lame though (you'll see in later chapters)

NOTES/THOUGHTS/REACTIONS:
So we open with it raining (again) and still the vamps are going to play ball. Bella notes the make of the car (again, how is it she can spot car models if she doesn't know much about cars?) and for some reason we are at Bella's house again. For another odd reason Jacob and his dad show up. Again. Edward is furious at the sight of them of course, heaven forbid the guy worry about a girl hanging out with a bunch of vampires. Never mind that he was telling Bella they were dangerous a few chapters ago. So it's okay if HE tells Bella they're dangerous, but not okay if someone else tells her so. Nice Edward.
Once again, he is apparently there to warn Charlie. I want to know why this all wasn't taken care of the LAST time he was there. Because now this is just annoying and recycled. I also have to comment on this:

I bridled a little at the word child.
From Twilight, page 349

So bridled is mostly a use for HORSES. It can mean though to show scorn or resentment by tossing your head. So basically Bella showed she was miffed by tossing her head? Just say she glared or something Meyer, because I, like many others probably, thought of horses instead of this gesture. This is called bad word use.
The Blacks have apparently come to drop off fish (again) and Bella thanks them:

"Thanks," I said, though I had no idea what it could be.
From Twilight, page 350

Excuse me Bella, miss perfect, you say thank you no matter what. It should not matter what the gift/thing is. You say thank you BECAUSE IT'S POLITE. Bella is generally rude to Billy (though at least she admits to rudeness this time), and there is much not subtle hinting between the two where basically Bella tells Billy to butt out and Bella says this:

"Though it would be my business, again, whether or not I think it's
Charlie's business, right?"
From Twilight, page 353

Um Bella, he is your DAD, he cares about you and you live under his roof so um IT IS HIS BUSINESS YOU BRAT. But Billy sees nothing bratty about this apparently, and surrendors. Bella says Jacob rolling his eyes was dramatic and I'm sorry but hypocrite much? This is from the girl who waxes poetics daily about Edward's adonis looks and makes mundane things like Edward driving seem like grace defined. Yeah, Jacob is dramatic all right.
More pointlessness follows as Bella dresses and talks to Jess and is bored by her of course. Bella of course, assumes Jess is just upset that she didn't ask for details. It couldn't at all be because she knows Bella isn't listening and is getting annoyed by her self-centeredness. I know I am annoyed by it.
Charlie saves Bella from her boring conversation by arriving and then she finally tells Charlie about Edward and of course he's okay with it. She totally springs this on him and then is "oh yeah, and he's coming over so don't embarrass me okay?" Good God, at least give the man a few minutes to adjust to the fact that his daughter is dating a guy. But of course, Bella can't be bothered with how Charlie feels, it's all about her and how he is probably going to make her look bad by acting like he cares about her. Also, asking one question is not a Spanish Inquisition, Bella had no right to say that. Also again, he's a FATHER, that's his JOB. I know Meyer put this in here to make it look like Bella-Sue is all independant and doesn't need looking after but it once again, makes Bella come off as an ungrateful brat.
Edward comes and there is more eye-rolling and bratiness on Bella's part. For instance this:

"Thanks sir."
"Have a seat there, Edward."
I grimaced.
From Twilight, page 358

Bella, once again, that is called BEING POLITE, you have no reason to grimace at this you brat. Bella is surprised that Edward isn't surprised that she told her father the truth. Yeah, that would be because you have done everything he says up to this point, so he has no reason to think you wouldn't do otherwise. More Bella being a brat, and small talk and then Edward and Bella leave. Bella sees that Edward has brought a Jeep. At this point I have to ask: how many freaking cars do the Cullens own? Because really, at this point the amount of cars they have is getting ridiculous, especially for a family of vampires who are susposedly "keeping a low profile".
I have to roll my eyes at the fact that Bella can't even get into the car on her own. If I can get into a monster jeep, I'm sure miss Sue here can. They aren't THAT high. Then they start to drive and we get more boring talk and at this point I wonder what the whole damn point of this is and want to get to the game already. Edward commends Bella and calls her extraordinary because of this morning. Yes. Meeting new people is SO amazing. Oh wait, I and millions of other people, do that every day so does that mean we're all super special?
Finally, FINALLY, (after Edward goes caveman again and pulls Bella onto his back and they go through the forest, and at this point I'm wondering what the damn point was of switching cars if they were just going to do this) they get to the field. This chapter would be ten times better if it had been cut to them arriving at the feild. Those first hundred or so pages of the chapter were unneeded as is pretty much half this damn book. Billy and Bella's scene could have been done when he previously visited, and Charlie meeting Edward should have been taken care of when she went to see the Cullens first hand.
The Cullens are already there and you can basically insert more wordy descriptions of how they move, talk, and so on and so forth. Bella and Esme stay behind and just watch them play ball and you know what? Here is another minor character that could have been so awesome if another author had written this or Meyer had taken more time to flesh her out. Instead, she tells us right off the bat her back story. It would have been more powerful if Bella had found out accidently or something and Esme could have shown more remorse then she actually does. We could actually SEE her being motherly. But no. We're just told this and then the character fades into that unimportant background because she is not Bella or Edward.
Vivid description of baseball play and I will say I found this kind of fun, even if I wish Meyer could of said how they made up this game or why they even play it. Also again, how is this keeping a low profile?
More baseball play and Bella of course says Edward is wonderful at it (of course, he's Gary-Stu, not only is he musically gifted and smart, and reads, he can play sports perfectly as well!). Then suddenly, as if Meyer was writing this and kind of went "oh yeah, it would probably be a good idea to actually have that excitement now! It is chapter 17", Alice has a vision. More vampires are coming! Actual vampires, not whatever the heck the Cullens are.
For some reason that still makes no sense to me (if a Twihard can explain it logically then please feel free to do so) they evidently do not have time to run Bella into the forest while the others delay the unknown vampires. So they all stand and wait as finally something exciting is happening! It only took three hundred and seventy-four pages.

WORDS THAT A TEENAGER WOULD NEVER USE/DON'T BELONG/ARE USED WRONG: bridled

BOOK THAT IS BETTER: City of Bones by Cassandra Clare
WHY IT IS BETTER: For one, ACTUAL EXCITEMENT going on here that doesn't wait three hundred pages. I know many people have written off this series as a Twilight wannabe and to some extent...yeah it is. However, this author actually succeeded where Meyer failed: a believable love triangle, excitement, a GOOD heroine who while naive at times does not make you scream, good male heroes who aren't perfect and exceed Edward-stu in every way, good writing, and actual PLOT. Predictable plot, true. But unlike Twilight, this cliche is enjoyable and doesn't make you want to gag.

TWILIGHT: Chapter 16-Carlisle

CHAPTER SUMMARY: More faulty background is given on Carlisle, more vivid description of the house, and then the vampires decide to play...baseball?

NOTES/THOUGHTS/REACTIONS:
Edward leads Bella to Carlisle's office. Insert vivid description here, and I must say that it is impossible for one room to hold more books then a library, unless it was the size of a library. As Carlisle's office isn't, this description/thought of Bella's is dumb, unless she's been in really tiny librarys before this.
More vivid description and oh look, Carlisle himself! More description and then Carlisle has to leave so he tells Edward to tell the story about himself. Considering this chapter is named after him, he has very few lines. So exit Carlisle and Edward continues where he left off. He tells about how Carlisle struggled with himself, learned he could feed off of animals instead of humans and when to France. I also must comment that people do not swim the Channel all the time. Because it's dangerous too. You also have to have a lot of conditioning as a swimmer to do it without drowning so this is a very stupid remark that could have been saved by research.
Bella for some reason is shocked to learn that they don't need to breath and my God, this girl is DUMB. VAMPIRES, Bella. Undead! No breathy! Ringing a bell? This once again brings in angsty Edward who worries this information will frighten poor Bella away but she urges him on in a pointless inturruption and he continues. Gag me.
Carlisle apparently found other vamps who didn't agree with his views (because you know, they're ACTUAL vampires) and so he leaves. Started practicing medicine somehow, and then found Edward during the influenza in America. Enter Edward. One thing I want to point out in this background talk is that Edward had a decade or so where he didn't follow Carlisle and drank human blood. So see? NOT PERFECT GIRLS.
But somehow he had a change of heart (Edward is very vague on how and I would personally like to know more, but Meyer doesn't want any dark stuff so she figures this is enough info) and goes back to Carlisle and Esme who apparently entered the picture sometime in between all this.
End epic flashbacking and Edward takes Bella to his room and I have to say, I actually find his room kind of cool. Should I find myself owning a place with an extra room, I'm turning it into a sound room like Edwards.
The coolness is dimmed by the angsty over-the-top lovefest between the two that should make me smile and be happy but since I don't even like the characters and aren't fully convinced they're in love it just comes off as corny and I roll my eyes. Alice and Jasper arrive and insert vivid descriptions of how they move here, and they are invited for a game of...baseball. I admit, this threw me for a loop the first time I read it and so kind of perked up and thought, okay, maybe the interesting and fun part is coming up? Oh, how sadly was I mistaken. Read on next chapters to see why.

WORDS THAT A TEENAGER WOULD NEVER SAY/DON'T BELONG/USED WRONG: sinuously

BOOKS THAT ARE BETTER: The Summoning by Kelley Armstrong
WHY IT IS BETTER: This is the first book in the Darkest Powers series and it is a great start. The characters are intriguing, not at all perfect (inside or out), and have actual problems. The setting itself is also intriguing: a home for disturbed teens. Bet you never thought a fantasy book would be set there, did you? Just read it, you won't be sorry. It's fast-paced, really interesting, and solid writing. This is actual suspense that Twilight was sorely lacking.

TWILIGHT: Chapter 15-The Cullens

CHAPTER SUMMARY: Bella and Edward do their own version of meet the family. Only, it's just Edward's family they're meeting, not Bella's cause you know, her family are human and not important. Only Edward's family is important. I'm ranting again, sorry. Series tends to bring out the ranter in me.

NOTES/THOUGHTS/REACTIONS:
Bella wakes up and isn't at all disturbed that Edward is still there, watching her wake up. She acts like they haven't seen each other in ages and throws herself in his lap. Is it me, or did this novel get cornier and cheesier after the two of them have gotten together? It's not just me? Good. Bella once again says she thought it was dream and I have to say, this is getting OLD.
We get more description of Bella's morning routine and comes back and notices that Edward had gone back home while she slept and is slightly miffed. We then get this:

"I love you," I whispered.
"You are my life now," he answered simply.
From Twilight, page 314

Um...correct me if I'm wrong, but they've only been going together for what, a DAY? If this were a cheesy romance movie I'd maybe buy this (but would still roll my eyes) but this (according to Meyer and Twihards anyway) is apparently a serious romance story. Okay, then. Have these guys spend more time together and go through more trials and tribulations before they say this. Because I'm sorry, it is WAY too soon for them to be saying stuff like this. Yeah, I know Romeo and Juliet only had a few days but Romeo and Juliet was a SATIRE. Therefore, that should not be a model of true love.
After the way too soon declarations of love and they go get breakfast. Edward goes caveman once more and actually carries Bella to the kitchen over his shoulder. I'm sure Meyer thought this was sweet and romantic but to me it just seems pointless and kind of stupid. Edward watches Bella eat and I personally would find that creepy and slightly annoying but she of course, has no problem with it. Edward then suggests Bella meets his family. She gets nervous. It isn't of course because they're vampires (which they aren't but since this book calls them that, I'll just let it go) but because she's worried they won't like her. This is natural for any girl in a relationship (well, I'm assuming for most, some I guess don't care) so that's expected.
Alice's gift is mentioned and apparently, judging from Edward's actions, she had some sort of vision of Bella. We also get this part:

He stood in the middle of the kitchen, the statue of Adonis again, staring
abstractedly out the back windows.
From Twilight, page 317

Okay, first, this isn't even needed. Second, enough with the adonis comparisons. He's hot. We get it. Enough already. Third, how do you stare abstractedly? Here are all the possible definitions for abstract: 1) Considered apart from concrete existance, 2) Expressed without reference to a specific instance, 3) Disignating a painting or sculpture whose intellectual and affective content depends soley on intrinsic form: nonsubjective, 4) A summary, 5) Something abstract as a term, 6) To remove, 7) To steal, 8) To summarize. No where in there does it mention anything about expressions. As a matter of fact, abstractedly isn't even in the dictionary to BEGIN with! There's abstracter, abstractly, and abstractness but no abstractedly. Also, again, NOTHING TO DO WITH EXPRESSIONS. I'm sorry, but Meyer majored in literature in college? Did she sleep through the classes or something?
Moving on, Edward brings up meeting the dad and this makes her uncomfortable and she almost acts like she's ashamed of her father or something. This is making me all pissed off at her again because she has no reason to be ashamed of him, he's awesome (if a little overprotective, but that's a Dad thing, it's especially bad when you're his only daughter like Bella). We get more eye worthy declarations from Bella and Edward being all angsty about it until she finally goes to get dressed.
We get Bella choosing her outfit and apparently that whole dressing with her mood thing, is out the window because she doesn't do it here. She ends up putting on a dark blue blouse and a long khaki skirts. Um...what? I'm sorry what sort of teenager wears this? No one wears long khaki skirts anymore, those were a nineties thing. Bella must really not care about fashion. Edward of course says she's so tempting in that outfit when she comes down the stairs.
Yeah, a long skirt and blouse really screams "come get me, big boy". More eye roll worthy love scenes and I want to get to the Cullens already.
Luckily they finally go. We get more vivid description that is actually not that bad but I have to wonder how Bella, who is someone who apparently doesn't like nature, knows how the trees that are on the Cullen property are primordial cedars. I also have to wonder how the hell a house can be considered graceful. Elegant, sure but graceful? It's inanimate object: IT DOESN'T MOVE.
More description that basically drills into our heads that this house is perfect and the Cullens have good taste (of course they do, they're Mary Sues and Gary Stus). Mr. and Mrs. Cullen are there and we get a whole long paragraph about how beautiful and perfect they both are. Carlisle welcomes Bella by saying, "You're very welcome, Bella." This is a bad greeting. It sounds like he's thanking her, not welcoming her.
More descriptions of Alice and then later Jasper as they come down the stairs. Somehow Bella knows that Esme thinks she's brave when she says "We're so glad that you came." Yeah, I didn't get that all but this is Bella so of course, it means Esme is praising her.
More description of the house (I thought we were done, guess not) and there's a piano and oh look: Edward is a musician. Also, just in case the book wasn't any cornier, Edward wrote Bella a song. Roselie and Emmett aren't there and once again, Roselie doesn't like Bella because she's jealous of her. For god sakes Meyer, it is possible to simply NOT LIKE A PERSON. For instance I don't like Bella. It is not because I'm jealous of her. It's because I find her very irritating, shallow beyond belief, a doormat, more then a little stupid, and a thousand other things that have nothing to do with being jealous of her. Mostly because she's a fictional character, but also because were she a real person I wouldn't like her. This brings me to my next reason for disliking this series: It makes everything black and white.
Don't try and tell me it doesn't either. It over simplifies issues. Those minor characters who don't like Bella? It's because they're jealous of her. Nothing at all to do with character or maybe even past issues that have happened between the two. Nope. It's jealousy. You'll notice this excuse is used a LOT in this series and it drives me up the wall. Other instances come up later on in the series. I'll point them out as I go.
Roselie is apparently the only one to have a serious problem with Bella. The rest of the family is magically okay with it. Edward is, for some odd reason, reluctant to tell Bella about the vision she had about her. If you've seen/read New Moon you'll know it really isn't a big deal and he has no reason to be reluctant to tell her. Bella is crying AGAIN (this is what, fourth to fifth time she has?) and then there is big tour of the house. Which means, yes, more flowery description.
Bella sees a cross and I admit, the irony of this does sort of tickle me and then we have Carlisle's back story.
You know what? I actually do kind of find Carlisle intriguing. I mean a priest who got turned into a vamp? That is a sort of twist that I enjoy. I don't want Meyer to write Midnight Sun, I want her to do a story on this. Or actually, I want someone else to do a story on it. Cause she'll just ruin it by basically just focusing on Esme and Carlisle and ignore all the moral dilemmas he must have gone through.
But something about Carlisle's story bugs me: he was bitten and then left bleeding and then turned? So in Meyer's verse, all you have to do is feed a human to become a vamp? Or what? Makes no sense. Also, how does Edward even know all this? He wasn't there. Would have been more effective to have Carlisle tell Bella himself. Also, if he's not sure when he was born, why does Edward say he just celebrated his 362 birthday and that he was 23 when he was turned? Those are awful specific numbers for someone who isn't sure when they were born.
Anyways, the chapter then ends with Edward pulling Bella down the hall. Yeah, that's suspensful all right.

WORDS A TEENAGER WOULD NEVER USE/DON'T BELONG/USED INCORRECTLY: abstractedly (used wrong/no such word), ingenues, leonine.
MARY SUE/GARY STUISMS: Edward: I play piano and compose songs! Look, I wrote one for you.
CONTRIDICTIONS: Told that Carlisle doesn't know when he was born, yet we're given specific numbers for how old he is and when he was turned.

BOOKS THAT ARE BETTER: Dracula by Bram Stoker
WHY IT IS BETTER: The original bad ass vampire that pretty much made vampires popular. Do I need to explain any more?

TWILIGHT: Chapter 14-Mind Over Matter

CHAPTER SUMMARY: Edward and Bella talk about stuff. That is all.
NOTES/THOUGHTS/REACTIONS:
This chapter starts with Edward driving. Bella, of course, marvels at how awesome his driving is and how effortlessly he drives with one hand. Yeah, I know plenty of guys who can drive with one hand, starting with my dad and going to a taxi driver I've seen do it. This is a stupid observation and once more, doesn't add anything to the books except as a way for Meyer to drill into our heads how super-freaking special Edward is.
Edward turns on the radio and we get this from our supposed music lover:

"Music in the fifties was good. Much better than the sixties, or the
seventies, ugh!" He shuddered. "The eighties were bearable."
From Twilight, pages 286/287

This is very clearly Meyer's own opinion, not Edwards. Were Edward an actual music lover, he would know that you cannot sum up a decade of music. There are good bands/bad bands and good songs/bad songs in each of them. Also, excuse me but the sixties produced some of the best damn music in this century. Oh yeah, and I do believe that is when a little thing called ROCK and ROLL was started? Well, mid-fifties or so but sixties is when rock and roll started...rolling. Excuse the pun. Also, hello, MOTOWN. As for the seventies, diana ross and Michael Jackson, hello? Plus some of the best rock bands came out of the seventies like Pink Floyd and Rolling Stones. As for the eighties: Madonna, Bowie, U2, Bangles, need I go on? That was more then just "bearable". Edward is quite clearly NOT a music lover if he says that these three decades were horrible. Plus, what about the nineties? Or I don't know, those few decades he lived before the fifties? Twenties, thirties, and fourties had some pretty awesome music too. Also, how can Bella say she never heard the song before but know it came from the fifties? That makes no sense. This is an epic fail on Meyer's part to try and pass Edward off as a music lover. Had she done research and talked to actual music lovers, this wouldn't have happened.

I asked, tentative, not wanting to upset his buoyant humor.
From Twilight, page 287

Buoyant is an adjective of buoyancy. An adjective is a word used to describe a noun or limit its meaning. A noun is a word that names a person place or thing. So technically, Meyer is using the right kind of word here. But look at the definition of buoyancy: 1) the ability to float, 2) the upward force exerted by a fluid on a body in it, 3) resilance in recovering from setbacks, and 4) cheerfulness. So basically Bella is saying she doesn't want to upset his cheerful humor. Well why the hell doesn't Meyer just say that? Come on. I'm all for creative word use, but there's a point where you go overboard and Meyer has crossed that point a long time ago. Also, saying cheerful humor is a bit redundant, isn't it?
Finally we start to learn a little abut Edward's age. He was born in Chicago apparently (midwest boy, go fig) and apparently was dying of the Spanish influenza when Carlisle found him. Okay, I admit, I know nothing about the Spanish influenza. So I looked up info about it. Here is one page I found on it:
http://virus.stanford.edu/uda/
I'm assuming Meyer had to look this up as well so it is nice to see she did SOME research though I bet Edward wouldn't have been in a hospital, but in one of the quarantine kind of places because of the disease but I'll let it go. Of course, Meyer passes on explaining the yucky details of vampire transformation. We learn more about the Cullen family and I admit, I kind of find the Cullen "family" dynamic somewhat interesting. Unfortunately, all the Cullens are basically kept in the background like every other potentially interesting character in this book.
We learn that Alice can see the future (though only when it's helpful to the author, you'll see what I'm talking about later. More explanations and you know what? It would be far more interesting for us to find this out on our own. I mean we don't have to know everything about the vampire world right away. If Meyer were a smarter author she would subtly let us see how the vamps operate through Bella's eyes. We would learn things as she did. But no, she gets it all out there at once, thus killing any possible curiousity I may have had about the Cullens and other vampires.
We get more stupid small talk with Bella and Edward later (I cannot believe she actually had to ask why vamps prefer the North. Like Edward said, was she BLIND earlier?) and we are now back at Bella's place. Bella is more stunned to learn Edward spied on her before and I can't believe she didn't figure this out earlier and I am disgusted that she is flattered instead of freaked out like she SHOULD be. But no, instead of being freaked by the blatant stalking, she's more concerned with what Edward overheard that might embarrass her.
Bella's father comes home, causing her to push Edward out the door. They have awkward small talk. He once again notes lack of boyfriend for Bella and I'm sorry, but since when was there a rule that in order to have a social life, a girl had to have a boyfriend? Because that is seriously what seems to be implied in this whole conversation. Now all of a sudden, Bella is worried about Charlie being suspicious of her, which I don't get but whatever.
Pointlessness as Edward and Bella meet up in her room. I must say, I'm getting mildly irritated at how whenever one of the two has a moment of weakness/needs a moment they joke about being human. There is nothing wrong with being human. I'm beginning to wonder if Meyer is ashamed of her own species. Not that I blame her, we humans can be complete morons sometimes and do terrible things, but still...as someone who is human I'm starting to get offended.
More pointlesss conversation happens where Bella and Edward talk about, what else, themselves. We get MORE recap of the story from Edward's point of view. God, I thought that was over. Then they start to argue over, of all things, who should be more jealous. Seriously! Then we get this idiotic thing from Bella:

"But honestly," I teased, "for that to bother you, after I have to hear
that Rosalie-Roselie, the incarnation of pure beauty, Roselie-was meant for you.
Emmett or no Emmett, how can I compete with that?"
From Twilight, page 304

First, there are several edits that need to take place but I won't bother going over them all (I will say though, that repeating Roselie's name three times was pointless). Second, Bella I believe Edward said they were nothing more then siblings? For crying out loud he grimaced at the thought of them being together you moron, so clearly this is not something you have to worry about. I won't even go into how Bella whines that Edward had it so much worse then she did, it wasn't fair.
More yak worthy dialogue after Charlie checks in on Bella. Then Bella asks this moronic question:

"I still don't understand how you can work so hard to resist what
you...are. Please, don't misunderstand, of course I'm glad that you do. I just
don't see why you would bother in the first place."
From Twilight, page 306/307

Bella, what part of VAMPIRE did you not get? If Edward doesn't resist, HE WILL KILL PEOPLE. He will have to live with the memory of killing those people. God, this girl is not naive, she is IGNORANT and STUPID and a million other things I won't get into. Those are bad qualities in a girlfriend, Edward. Dump her now.
But instead of smacking her upside the head like I would have done, he patiently explains it to her and this of course, makes her worship him even more. Of course, it turns out that all the Cullens have their own gifts (they are all special Mary-Sues/Gary-Stus) and there is more pointless talk between the most boring couple in the world. No, I'm serious, these two are BORING together.
Then Bella brings up marriage. On the day they just kissed and haven't even had a real date yet. In the normal world this would send red flags to the guy and he would know this girl has problems and not see her again. Edward however, just says it's not possible because he is too dangerous (again, how many times has he said this?). More gag worthy dialogue and Bella falls asleep. I'm sorry, what is the point of this chapter? Oh yeah, NOTHING. This whole thing could have been cut out and it wouldn't have been missed.

WORDS A TEENAGER WOULD NEVER SAY/WORDS USED WRONGLY/DO NOT BELONG:
buoyant, ravenous,

BETTER BOOK: Ransom My Heart by Meg Cabot/Mia Thermopolis
WHY IT'S BETTER: One, all the money goes to charity. Two, despite occasional flowery prose and somewhat overused romance plot, it is still more interesting then THIS. The couple is funny and interesting and I'm actually eager to see them get together and they are still entertaining when they are together.

TWILIGHT: Chapter 13-Confessions

CHAPTER SUMMARY: The infamous meadow sparkle scene occurs (you all know the one I'm talking about) and basically Edward and Bella talk about how in love they are while I want to puke.

NOTES/THOUGHTS/REACTIONS:
So we left off with Edward about to come into the sun. Instead of burning in the sun, LIKE HE SHOULD BECAUSE HE'S A VAMPIRE, he sparkles. This brings me to my next reason for disliking Twilight:
THESE ARE NOT VAMPIRES.
Vampires are EVIL. They suck blood to survive, they live forever, they can be staked in the heart, they burn in the sunlight. What do they not do? Sparkle. I was willing to forgo the other stuff that Meyer screwed up because other people have messed with vampire mythos and so that's okay, but this sparkle thing was just too much and so dumb I had to shake my head. There's a point where you mess with mythos on creatures so much where they do not resemble the creature they were and this is what Meyer did. I mean for crying out loud, these guys don't even have fangs! So yeah, these are not vampires. I would have appreciated it more if Meyer had maybe come up with a new name for them herself. Creating a relative of sorts for vamps but no. she insists these are vampires because she couldn't come up with her own term for them (and she probably knew that vampire books in teen fiction is a big thing and would sell, don't tell me she didn't know that, everyone in publishing knows that) and is convinced she is still following mythology. If she did actual research she would know she is not and have come up with an explanation. But she didn't and didn't think things through once more and sparkling people masquarading as vampires is the result.
Even worse then the sparkling is the over the top literary prose we get. It is clear that Meyer is in her element here:

He lay perfectly still in the grass, his shirt open over his sculptedk
incandescent chest, his scintillating arms bare. His glistening, pale lavender
lids were shut, though of course he didn't sleep. A pefect statue, carved in
some unknown stone, smooth like marble, glittering like crystal.
From Twilight, page 260

No, I did not make that up. It's in there. While I'm busy throwing up at the gushing, let me point out that these are run on sentences. Also, how can anyone have lavender lids? Is Edward wearing make-up? He sparkles and wears eyeshadow and refuses to make a move on a girl who obviously has the hots for him. Are we sure this guy isn't gay? Or bisexual at the least? Not to stereotype or anything but still. It makes you wonder.
More vivid discription and even when Bella is apparently happy, she finds something to complain about:

I enjoyed the sun, too, though the air wasn't quite dry enough for my
taste.
From Twilight, page 261

Good god, is this girl obsessed with weather or something? What human being in their right mind notices stupid things like whether the air is dry or not (which is stupid because air cannot be dry) when they are suposed to be happy with the one they are in love with?
Then we get more yak worthy conversation between Edward and Bella. She touches him, there is talk and we get this moronic statement:

"I was wishing that I could believe you were real."
From Twilight, page 262

For godsakes, YOU ARE TOUCHING HIM so obviously he's real you moron. Get. The. Hell. Over. It. I'm getting really tired of Bella acting like Edward is the messiah or something. She does this practically every time she sees him and it's getting OLD. More cuddling and then we get Edward feeling sorry for himself some more. Then we get more conversation that is basically a rehash of all the previous ones they've had: I'm dangerous, Bella. No you aren't, Edward. I should stay away from you but I can't. I crave your blood! You smell nice! Then we get this infamous line:

"So what you're saying is, I'm your brand of heroin?"
From Twilight, page 267

Yes, Anti's did not make that line up. We don't have to make up all the bad corny lines, it's there for the world to see and mock. But for some reason Twihards don't like it when you mock the series even though it pretty much BEGS to be mocked. This line is just one example. If Twihards got over it and embraced the cheesiness like we Trekkies and Star Wars fans have with our fandom, I would like them so much more.
Then we get Edward basically telling his side of the past few months. Because we really need a rehash of events, we can't remember it on our own. Nope, we need the author reminding us, only now we see it through Edward's eyes. This is one reason why I don't understand why she needed to write Midnight Sun to begin with. Because basically, Midnight Sun is told here. We are told what Edward was feeling, going through, yadda yadda. This is more example of why showing instead of telling is better because all of this is boring and not really subtle. Plus, honestly, we could have figured it out on our own. We don't need Edward/Meyer telling us what happened. It would have been smarter for Meyer to just let us fill in the blanks ourselves.
Another thing that bugs me is this:

"By the next morning I was in Alaska."
From Twilight, page 271

What the hell? What happened to Canada? You know, that whole COUNTRY that is in between Alaska and Washington State? You have to have visa's to get past the borders there, don't you? So does Edward have one? Plus, I don't care how fast you drive, there is no possible why he could have gotten to Alaska in one freaking night. A day, maybe. But not a whole night. More stupidity from Meyer.
More recap with Edward and they finally get to confessing what pretty much everyone knew. I personally am wondering why this is occuring in the middle of the book. Good romances usually take longer then this. But I keep forgetting, this isn't a good romance. We also get the second corny, mock-worthy line:

"And so the lion fell in love with the lamb...," he murmured.
From Twilight, page 274

That sound was a million romance readers groaning at the cliche. You know what would have made this series brilliant? If this were actually a parody/satire of vampire romance stories. If that were the case I would be singing Twilight's praises and calling Meyer a comedic genius and worship her. However, she has insisted this is true love/literary greatness/Edward and Bella are soul mates etc. So it was obviously not meant to be a parody/satire which makes me shake my head sadly and cringe that this is being called literature.
More cringe-worthy romance between Bella and Edward occurs and I really, really want this chapter to end so I can go watch Buffy. We get the infamous flight through the trees scene and then the two finally kiss and instead of swooning like I'm supposed too when reading a romance I find myself rolling my eyes at all the metaphores to statuary that Meyer uses to describe Edward. Gag-worthy chapter FINALLY ends and I breath a sigh of relief.

WORDS A TEENAGER WOULD NEVER SAY/DON'T BELONG/USED WRONG: scintillating, incandescent, circuitous

BOOKS THAT ARE BETTER: All the Buffy the Vampire Slayer books/novelizations
WHY IT'S BETTER: Whedon's vampires are to me, the ones that make the most sense and the best (next to Dracula). They do not sparkle, are evil, and actually suck blood. Even the ones that are the good guys and romantic interest (Angel and Spike) kick ass more then Edward (and are ten times more interesting then emo boy) and Buffy is a ten times more kick ass heroine then Bella. Though I do admit her name irks me. She is still awesome though. So, even though it's technically a tv show and I don't know when the original novels could have possibly taken place (there must have been a lot more time in season three then I thought) it still counts because these are books and the characters are still awesome. Even Xander, who is not a vamp, is more interesting and boyfriend worthy then Edward.

TWILIGHT: Chapter 12-Balancing

CHAPTER SUMMARY: More pointlessness as Billy does not talk to Charlie, Bella and Edward make plans and walk to a meadow. The end. I'm still trying to find the excitement.

NOTES/THOUGHTS/REACTIONS:
Another chapter that starts where the other left off anti-climatically. Billy and Charlie have a buddy moment and I have to say, I find the friendship between these two interesting. I mean it's kind of curious how a chief of police and a indian reservation elder/member whoever became friends. I want to know how they became friends. I'm assuming the bond started over fishing, but really I'm more curious about this relationship then I am about Bella and Edward. That's...kind of sad considering this book is supposed to be about them and they are the ones that Meyer should make interesting. But nope, I find myself more interested in a friendship that isn't even the main part of the story.
Billy and Charlie make plans to watch a game (cause you know, that's all men watch on tv; they aren't interested in things like movies and what not) and then Billy adds that Jacob wanted to see Bella again. Bella of course immediately goes "oh no, I came on too strong at the beach and now I have another suitor; damn my female charm". Well gee, what did you expect Bella? If you had just asked him like a normal person you wouldn't have this problem. Of course, since it IS Meyer and Bella is a Mary Sue, Jacob probably would have fallen for her even if she had just asked.
Like a good little female, Bella offers to make food for the boys and her father agrees. Another slightly subtle sexist moment for those still keeping track and so Bella goes to make grilled cheese sandwiches and Jacob helps by watching. I totally don't get these lines:

"So, how are things?" Jacob asked.
"Pretty good." I smiled. His enthusiasm was hard to resist.
From Twilight, page 237

Eh? What enthusiasm? All he did was ask how you were! Normal people ask that, Bella. It's called being polite. But considering Bella is never enthusiastic about anything beyond Edward's looks, I don't know why I'm surprised at this over-statement.
Jacob admires Edward's volvo (to which I laugh, because I've never heard of any guy admiring a VOLVO, no matter how expensive it is) and Bella worries about Charlie finding out about Edward. If she's so freaking worried about it, she should tell him herself and save the hassle. Oh wait, I keep forgetting, that's logic. The game ends and we get this:

"Are you and your friends coming back to the beach soon?" Jacob asked as he
pushed his father over the lip of the threshold.
"I'm not sure," I hedged.
From Twilight, page 239

First, here is an edit: there should be a comma after Jacob asked because there is a pause there. Second, since when do thresholds have lips? I'm assuming Meyer was talking about a door wedge of some kind. But either way it makes no sense. She should have just said Jacob pushed his father through the front door. Third: I hedged?! Are you kidding me with this? Definition from Webster for the word hedged: 1) To bound or fencd with or as if with a hedge. 2) To hinder or encumber, 3) To limit financial risk by a counterbalancing transaction. Now to be fair for the word hedge, we do have this: A deliberately ambiguous statement. However, that is for hedge, not hedged, so it looks wrong anyway. I'm also pretty sure this word is not intended for dialogue because it just doesn't plain look right. Meyer should have just said, I shrugged and gotten it over with. To quote Maes Van der Rohe: less is more.
Bella starts to leave but her father stops her causing her to cringe and automatically worry that Billy said something. He just asks how her day was and this causes more awkward talk about boys. Charlie says he was planning on fishing and Bella encourages him and we get this:

"I've never minded being alone-I'm too much like you."
From Twilight, page 241

Um...gee, did that sound like a thinly-veiled insult or was that just me? If I were Charlie I would be mildly insulted because he never asked to be alone. His wife left him, remember Bella? Also, how does she know he doesn't mind it? Has he said? I swear, the more I read this, the more Bella comes off as a self-absorbed bitch.
Cut to next morning and Bella is skipping down the stairs. Never mind that you cannot do such a thing and the fact that I thought Bella was clumsy? If she were clumsy, she would never attempt to do this.
Edward is once more driving her. Once more with Bella not using that car that her father bought for her. We get more of Bella's gushing over how perfect he is and we get more of Edward asking questions. He also expresses surprise that his Mary Sue has not had a boyfriend and once more, unintentionally pointint out the whole ridiculousness of all those boys liking her. Then Edward drops a bomb: he's leaving with Alice after lunch and it really does make me wonder as well. Why did he drive her? He could have just let her drive her truck and asked the questions from the passenger seat and then driven with Alice. But no, that would require logic, I keep forgetting that has no place in this story.
So he talks Bella into letting a complete stranger drive her car and leaving the key in the ignition. Girls (and boys) NEVER DO THIS. I don't care HOW small your town is. NEVER LEAVE THE KEY IN THE IGNITION. That's like yelling at someone: come and steal me. Small towns have crooks too you know. Also, you should never let someone you don't know drive your car. Because they are not covered on your insurance. If they get your car into an accident, chances are, your insurance company won't pay for it. Not only does logic have no place in this story, neither does common sense.
Edward says he's going hunting and there is more awkward small talk. I have to comment on this:

His brow puckered for a brief moment.
From Twilight, page 244

That sound was my head hitting my desk. Eyebrows do not pucker. Lips pucker. Eyebrows do not. Wrong word use again, Meyer. Anyway, they get to school and Bella notices Roselie. She turns to glare at her and that of course immediately means that Roselie is a bitch simply because she doesn't like Bella. Edward apologizes for Roselie even though her worries are a valid point. Edward being around Bella could be putting the Cullen family at risk. So, it's more then a little selfish for him to still be spending time with her. Then we get Alice, another one of the few things I like about this book. However, I do get tired of how Bella focuses on how pretty and graceful and perfect she is. I don't care about that. I like Alice because unlike Bella, she actually has some spunk and doesn't let the men walk all over her.
Edward is already leaving and it says something that I missed that they were having lunch all ready. Bad use of transition Meyer. We get moronic good-byes. I mean good lord, they act like they're parting forever. They are going to see each other the next day!
More scenes with clutzy Bella in gym (I'm growing mighty fond of these again, it's the only time I actually like her character). Bella doesn't concentrate on school of course, even though she is supposed to be smart and care about it, she thinks about (what else) her and Edward. We get more sulky Mike and he suggests what I brought up in chapter seven. That she just go with the group. But Bella seems to think Jessica would have a problem with it if she danced with boys as friends and so declines. She doesn't have to dance, you know. I myself pretty much just hung out at the table and only joined in on the group dances like electric slide (hey, don't laugh, everyone has to dance to this at least once in their lives). But no, Bella just can't do that, that would NORMAL.
Bella gets over-impressed on the fact that Edward kept his promise about the truck and we get a corny note from him about being safe. For god sakes, what trouble could she get into driving home? Where I Bella, I would be very offended by the implication that I basically cannot take care of myself. She of course, thinks it's sweet. More pointless information and then Bella is having dinner with Charlie all of a sudden. They have yet another awkward conversation about boys/the dance and I have to wonder. Since when did fathers and daughters talk this much about boys? You know, other then to tease them or grill the boyfriends.
Bella then does the laundry and more thinking and notes how her life has really become about Edward. But instead of being worried about this like a NORMAL person would/and should be, she's more worried about how it would hurt if it ended badly. They haven't even started an actual relationship and she's worried about the fallout if they have a relationship. A therepist would have a field day with this girl.
We then get a pointless scene where she takes pills to fall asleep. WHAT. THE. HELL. I'm hoping by pills, she meant sleeping pills, but I don't think so. You do not put this in a book meant for teenage girls! Does Meyer not know there are teens out there who overdose on drugs and die from it? Now, if this book were a cautionary tale about the practice, that would be another matter. But it's not. It's a romance and quite frankly shows how ignorant Meyer is. If she had actually THOUGHT about this, she probably never would have put it in. Never mind that this whole scene was never needed to begin with, because like half of this book it is POINTLESS.
More pointless description of Bella's daily activity when she wakes up and then we get more overdramatic scenes with Edward that make me want to yak. More pointless dialogue as they drive to wherever it is they are going, I really can't bring myself to care but for the sake of this blog I am continuing. The things I do to make a point.
Edward gets mad when he learns that no one knows Bella is going with him and I honestly think he's right. It's stupid not to let people know where you are. They get to a trail of some sort and we get more pointless description of him as it's once more hammered into our heads that he's beautiful and perfect. They hike and we get description of trail along with how perfect Edward is, and how exciting being with him is for Bella. I am still trying not to throw up.
Finally they get to a meadow that is lovingly described and Edward steps into the sun and the chapter ends. I'm sorry, why was this chapter called balancing exactly? I don't see any balancing going on anywhere. There's no issues with Bella trying to spend time with Edward and her friends or family so what the heck?

WORDS A TEENAGER WOULD NEVER USE/DON'T BELONG/USED WRONG: hedged (wrong use), puckered (wrong use).

BOOK THAT IS BETTER: The Sookie Stockhouse series by Charlaine Harris.
WHY IT IS BETTER: THIS is how you write a romance series. I believe the chemistry between Sookie and Bill and neither are perfect and they also actually have conflict in their relationship. Sookie does not let Bill walk all over her (and he admitedly does try) and doesn't fool herself into thinking he's perfect, or that she is, or that they are soul mates or whatever. There is also a lot more going on then just their romance. Oh, and Meyer? THESE are vampires. Not whatever the hell the Cullens are.