BREAKING DAWN: Chapter 9-Sure as Hell Didn't See That One Coming

CHAPTER SUMMERY: This series gets even more disgusting (yes, really) as Jacob finally confronts the Cullens.

NOTES/THOUGHTS/REACTIONS:
You know, reading this I still find it hard to believe that this is Jacob Black. The character that Meyer has presented us in this book is nothing like he is New Moon, and frankly not even really like he is in Eclipse. Okay, yeah. Jacob has a temper. But I never saw him as this ultra violent, willing to step on whoever to get revenge guy that Meyer is presenting us with in this part. I don't know why I'm so surprised though. Meyer is Team Edward therefore she is obviously doing her best to make sure we root for Edward even though in this book I frankly hate both of them. Read on to find out why.
We start off with angsty Jacob leaving the pack to go off and fight the Cullens. There's lots of pointless filler as Meyer needlessly delays him by taking the time to have him talk with Billy. She also takes some time to try and explain where this sister came from (oh and he actually has not one but TWO sisters who apparently were briefly mentioned in Chapter six, I was wrong about that evidently sorry, of Twilight but the fact that I didn't remember this kind of says a lot). I do sort of see the character part but I still don't buy it because hello, they never call or write their FATHER and BROTHER? Plua, now I'm curious about what exactly happened to Jacob's mom that makes her death so painful. Is it ever mentioned? Did she even die? Or did she leave? This is major character stuff that Meyer is basically ignoring in favor of the intrepid love triangle/romance that she's so focused on. It's very annoying.
More angsty description as Meyer goes into pointless filler about how Jacob leaves and drives off in his motercycle (speeding dangerously as everyone seems to do in this series and he also magically never gets caught). Then he finally arrives at the Cullens and we are treated to angsty Jacob planning his mode of attack. Really? Then big angsty reveal of Bella being pregnant and obviously sick due to that pregnancy. I want to take a moment and point out this:

This was wrong. I knew how Bella felt about almost everything-her thoughts were so obvious; it was like they were printed on her forehead.
From Breaking Dawn, Chapter 9

First, lots of editing needed here. All that needs to be written is I knew how Bella felt about everything. That add on stuff is redundant and frankly the whole statement doesn't really ring true. I mean I never really got the impression that Bella was that easy to read. Plus I never got the impression that he was so in tune with her needs what with all his actions in Eclipse. I mean what happened to Bella being a "private mind" or whatever?
After big angsty reveal of pregnant Bella, Edward takes Jacob outside and what follows is yet another meant to be sweet but is actually disturbing moment brought to us by Meyer. For starters we have this that Jacob says after Edward explains that Bella wants to keep the baby (yet another attempt by Meyer to make us believe she's utterly selfless):

"Did you ever notice that she's exactly as strong as a normal one hundred and ten pound human girl? How stupid are you vamps? Hold her down and knock her out with drugs."
From Breaking Dawn, Chapter 9

First, there's once again a lot of redundancy going on here. Just say she's a normal human. We don't need to be told her weight or that she's female. It's a stupid way to say it. Second, wow. I thought Jacob was supposed to be the one who cared about Bella? Now all of a sudden he's "who cares what she thinks, just do it anyway!" even worse is Edward admits to wanting to but Bella managed to get Roselie, Emmett and Esme on her side so there's a stand off in the family now. I'm sorry, I thought these two men were supposed to be IN LOVE with Bella? If they are in love with her wouldn't they, I don't know, RESPECT HER WISHES?
But wait! It gets more disgusting. Edward is literally freaking out about Bella dying and in that freak out he comes up with a plan. He tells Jacob, okay, she wants a kid so badly she can have one. Just not this kid. He wants Jacob to convince her to get rid of the baby and then after they get rid of it, he will let Jacob have sex with her to so they can have a normal kid. Jacob finds this disturbing, yet tempting and after admitting it's wrong AGREES TO IT!
HOW CAN TWIHARDS STILL LIKE THIS SERIES? Edward, without Bella's permission mind you, literally is offering her body for Jacob to use like Bella's some sort of freaking breeding horse. Even worse is that Jacob, the guy who is supposed to be her friend and one she trusts, agrees to it (oh, and he's more offended on HIS behalf then on HERS). This...just...god, everytime I think this series can't disgust me more. It does. The end chapter ends with Jacob agreeing, I'm off to find good books now.

WORD LIST: rescind,
GENERAL ANNOYANCES: how can people LIKE AND APPROVE of this sexist crap?!
'Small and distractingly feminine'-So she's distracting because she's a female? Well, how mean of her?

BREAKING DAWN: PART II-Preface and Chapter 8

SUMMARY: Now we are in Jacob's point of view. There's much machoism among him and his pack, he angsts, and generally is sullen. In fact, there's not much difference between his point of view and Bella's...

COMMENTARY/THOUGHTS/REACTIONS:
I apologize for the long break. Real life kept getting in the way and once again: very little motivation to continue this sorry piece of writing. But I'm back and going to attempt to try and finish this up by the end of October so I can finally be done with this crappy series. Lets move on shall we?
There is a Preface for this part and while it's actually kind of funny (the first time I cracked a smile reading this book) it is once again: not a preface. It was also only one sentance put on a whole page. Meyer sure is into wasting paper isn't she?
So this part is now in Jacob's point of view. I was kind of looking forward to this at first. No more Bella Swan and anything would be better then her whining. Unfortunately, I keep forgetting that Meyer isn't a good writer. Therefore, Jacob's point of view sounds an awful lot like Bella's point of view. The only difference is less big words, and more male posturing and less adoring of the Cullens. Other then that, it's still whine bitch and moan about how unfair life is. Now, for Jacob I understand it a bit more, he's been dealt the short hand in this love triangle but still, it's annoying.
We open with Jacob moping at his house. Paul is there and because they're guys, they roughhouse. Then we get internal angsting from Jacob. Through the internal angsting we learn that Jacob has a sister. Why are we learning this IN THE LAST BOOK? Having a sibling is a pretty important character detail. I don't care if she was off in college or whereever, siblings shape character you know. I mean it's rather odd she was never once mentioned in the first three books despite all that time Bella hung out with Jacob. Leaving a character like this out tends to make me think that you just suddenly decided to give Jacob a sister for convenience sakes and made her up on the spot. Which, knowing Meyer, she probably did.
Also during the angsting we learn that Paul imprinted on Rachel. Which means four of the pack members have imprinted and when you count Jacob imprinting later it's five. That really disputes that "it's really rare" claim that you tried to throw at us in Eclipse. If it's really rare, why are more then half the pack members imprinting?
Also in internal angsting apparently that evidence that everyone in La Push knows about the Pack is wrong. In fact, it's a secret. Rachel herself wasn't told about Jacob before the imprinting (probably because she's a female), and Embry and Collins (who must be another new made up on the spot wolf) have parents who don't know they're wolves. Wow. These parents must be really clueless...of course it IS Twilight so I don't know why I'm surprised.
Jacob apparently gets sick of angsting and goes off and runs into Quil playing with Claire. For those that don't remember, Quil is the one who imprinted on the three year old. Claire is the three year old he imprinted on. Were it not for imprinting factor, I'd find the scenes with the two of them really cute. Unfortunately, instead I find it kind of creepy (and why are the parents letting him play with her ALONE?).
What follows is Meyer's obvious (and failed) attempts to justify imprinting. Meyer doesn't seem to understand what it is that people take issue with. Imprinting literally gives the female (notice it's always a female, no gay wolves here people, oh and Leah of course doesn't get a soulmate cause she's to aggressive) no choice in the matter. They are stuck with this wolf following them around no matter their feelings. Plus, it doesn't give the guy much choice either. I don't care how you spin it, imprinting is unfair/gross and frankly NOT romantic.
Thankfully the uncomfortable justification is cut short by Sam howling which signals a pack meeting. Cue lots of pointless description of Jacob changing and running through the forest to meet up with the pack. During the meeting there is much demonization of Leah because she has the nerve to try and be just as good as the guys and not know her place like a good little female. I get it Meyer, I'm not supposed to like Leah. Well guess what? I do. Mostly because you haven't given me a legit reason to not like her. Her disliking Bella is not a legit reason. Actually in my book, that makes her kind of awesome. Oh and her wanting to prove herself and keep up with the pack isn't legit either.
Basically the pack meeting is to discuss the Cullens. Turns out Bella called Charlie or something and he was told she was sick. They now think this means she's going to be turned but they have no proof. Jacob is all for attacking but Sam doesn't want to and pack sides with him. This ticks Jacob off and he goes off on his own, deciding to attack the Cullens by himself. Extremely idiotic but at least something is finally happening.

WORD LIST: brayed
GENERAL ANNOYANCES: The demonization of Leah because she happens to be a strong female and we all know that's BAD.

BREAKING DAWN: Chapter 7-Unexpected

CHAPTER SUMMARY: The event that we have totally not been expecting at all (heavy sarcasm there) occurs: Bella is pregnant.

COMMENTARY/THOUGHTS/REACTIONS:
We open to more epic foreshadow. Bella is dreaming about a kid and the Volturi and her insisting on protecting the kid. We get it Meyer, Bella's going to have a kid. Less foreshadow and more actual plot please.
When she wakes Edward is gone and Bella is sad. So she does the housewife thing: she cooks. Sigh. This is just one of many instance where Bella literally HAS NO PERSONALITY. When I have a day to myself, I don't mope, and I doubt others do as well. I mean, she's a reader right? Doesn't she have a book series or something that she's really excited about? Or maybe I don't know, go for a swim? But no...Bella stays in the house and her first response is to cook. Wow. She literally has no life beyond Edward, does she?
Oh, and how crazy is it that she decides to make the difficult recipe of fried chicken (I'm still trying to figure out how a TEENAGE GIRL knows how to make stuff like fried chicken when her mother clearly didn't teach her and she didn't take classes or anything)? Or that magically the pre-stocked kitchen has all the ingrediants she needs for it? They must have a kitchen fairy godmother or something.
So she starts to eat the chicken and suddenly it tastes bad. Gee, I wonder what could be wrong (yes, that is heavy sarcasm)? Edward comes back and we get more descriptions of Bella going through the common symptoms of pregnancy: morning sickness, sudden exhaustion, sharp pains in her stomach. It's basically all very unsubtle. Between these symptoms and the baby dreams I wonder what could ever be going on? (again, heavy sarcasm) Finally when Bella's period is five days late she comes to the conclusion that she's pregnant.
I would like to say this right now: READ A FREAKING BIOLOGY BOOK Meyer! Does she seriously not realize how ridiculous this all is? First...Edward? You keep claiming he's a vampire well vampires are basically undead. When guys die...so do their sperm. Therefore, even if you are a human the vampire would be what is charmingly called "shooting blanks". Meaning NO SPERM. Before all you Twihards start pointing at the show Angel and Darla getting pregnant with Conner (boy I miss Angel and Buffy...) that was done WITH MAGIC. No magic happening here because Meyer is under the mistaken impression that she's being scientific about all this. To bad pretty much all her information is wrong and doesn't add up. Now if she just went ahead and said, "Oh this doesn't follow real-world rules" then I'd be able to buy it more. But she doesn't and thus my disdain.
Then there's the fact that this is literally less then a week after Bella and Edward had sex and Bella is going through the symptoms of a pregnancy in it's SECOND trimester. Meaning the baby is already like three months old. All of this going on in a matter of DAYS. Somehow Bella didn't notice this either until the symptoms. I would think you would be able to feel an accelarated growth like that. But literally in less then a week Bella has gone through three months of pregnancy without being able to tell. And people wonder why I have a hard time taking this series seriously.
Oh, and people? Being five days late in your period doesn't neccessarily mean you're pregnant. Periods can fluctuate with people (may I just say how annoying it is that Bella's was always right on time?) and if you're doing something different with your body that can sometimes throw it off a lot. I had a surgery for scoliosis in my teens (really bad year that I won't get into) and I ended up missing my period entirely. Also I believe I've heard that if you start having sex for the first time it can throw off your period. So lesson: erratic period doesn't always mean pregnancy. Seriously Meyer, did you even take biology?
Anyway, this makes Bella think she's pregnant and she tells Edward this and he basically faints...or just stands there. So she goes to the bathroom and start to think through possibilities. Her brilliant mind decides: well me and Edward are the first male vampire to have sex with a female human and that's why there haven't been pregnancies before this. No one tried it before us! Are you freaking KIDDING ME? Does Meyer really think we're that gullible? ;looks at Twihards who totally bought this; I guess so and sadly she's right.
If the lame explanation wasn't enough, the baby gives Bella a little nudge and she falls instantly and unconditionally in love like pretty much everyone in this series does. Cue instant super mom!Bella. Just like that, she can't wait to be a mom! Also no problem with deviding her love, she magically loves Edward and the baby equally so there will be no issue there. Wow, Meyer, I didn't realize this was all it took for me to want to be a mother: just get pregnant and I'll automatically love the baby no matter what. To top it off, it's also lazy character developement.
Well, after the obvious Pro-Life agenda moment (please note I have no problem with her being Pro-Life. You believe what you believe. I do have a problem with unsubtle messages being put into books stupid ways in order to push your agenda on the younger generation though) Bella calls the Cullens. Edward gets over his shock and then says they're leaving. As he packs it's obvious he's pissed and this makes Bella bewildered because she doesn't understand why (I kind of don't either, isn't he the one who was lamenting a few chapters ago about how they couldn't have kids?). So she goes and decides to reason through why he's angry (instead of, I don't know, asking him). But instead of reasoning she starts thinking about HER feelings on the matter and what follows is more BS about how she's suddenly looking forward to motherhood even though it makes no sense that she suddenly feels this way.
This brings me to yet another Angel reference. This scenario in here (sudden pregnancy and woman suddenly all happy to carry baby to term) reminds me of one of the early episodes from Season 1 (or maybe 2?) where after having sex with a random guy, Cordelia wakes up at least eight months pregnant. Turns out guy put demon sperm into her (and a lot of other girls) in order for said demon to have kids. First she's naturally freaked and then she starts to protect her kid. Because the demon spawn in her used a thrall or something to make her want to protect it. Remind you of anything? I'm just saying. I also now feel a sudden need to watch Buffy and Angel again...
So yeah, servants show up. The maid notices what's up with Bella and she and Edward start arguing in Porteguese. After he says something, she looks at Bella and says Morte and then leaves. Okay...Random. Then after it's pretty clear that Edward doesn't want to keep the baby as he talks about getting that "thing" out of her and Bella is horrified. The chapter ends with her calling up Roselie for help.
This also ends Bella's POV in Breaking Dawn and also incidently this series. Yay! Farewell Miss Swan. I will not miss you. On to Jacob's point of view. Maybe he'll be more tolerable and I'll actually start to enjoy this book and you know...something INTERESTING will finally happen.

WORD LIST: rancid
GENERAL ANNOYANCE: the utter ridiculousness of all of this. Meyer isn't even trying to make things logical anymore.
'shroud-like mist'-This description is redundant. We know what mist looks like. You don't need to describe mist for us. Just say they came from the mist or whatever.
'They ghosted closer'- One of the stupidest ways to describe movement that I've read.

BREAKING DAWN: Chapter 6-Distractions

CHAPTER SUMMARY: Bella and Edward chat and have sex. Pretty much it.

COMMENTARY/THOUGHTS/REACTIONS:
How on earth did Meyer get this past her publisher? Really, HOW? This is possibly the most pointless writing in existance. You remember how everyone bitched about the first half of Harry Potter 7 being dull? THAT was more interesting than this crap. I mean at least there Rowling put in backstory, had interesting tales, and actual plot developement. It has been SIX CHAPTERS and this plot has not once moved forward (and no, Bella and Edward getting married is NOT a plot developement) It's like a little hiccup of exposition. I'm seriously wondering if that Literature degree Meyer has is legit because I find it hard to believe that any student of literature/english could sit there and write boring/pointless crap like this and call it GOOD writing (never mind that she tries to call this literature to which I laugh at. Loudly).
Okay, on with the chapter. Basically as I said, there's a lot of painful dialogue in this chapter (that makes the writing in Avatar look Pulitzer Prize worthy, and please note I thought the Avatar movie's storyline was a joke. Beautiful movie, but bad story with respect to Cameron because I do think he's a good director, he's just a lousy writer). Then of course there's the ever constant summarizing. I'll be brief: Bella tries to seduce Edward into having sex again. He rebuffs her with stuff like snorkling/movies. This is frusterating to Bella who now thinks sex is the most wonderful thing ever.
This scenario annoys me greatly. Mostly because once again: it proves these two aren't equals. Edward is getting all the say in whether or not they have sex, though at least this time she tries to fight him on it. That's progress...I suppose. Then of course there's the rather sexist/anti-feminist viewpoint in here. Big strong/moral Edward (the man) is constantly harrassed by the immoral Bella who just doesn't know better because she's female (who you know are always the reason men go off and do things like have sex and affairs and drink and whatnot). And here was silly me thinking this attitude went out the window a long time ago. Guess not.
Somewhere in the bad dialogue the question of college is brought up and Bella thinks she wants to go which for some reason means she'll have to be human longer. I'm slightly confused about this. Why exactly must she be human to go to college? Dartmouth has night courses, I'm sure (most/all colleges do, especially the big ones). She can take night courses so she doesn't sparkle. I mean didn't Roselie and Emmett go off to College again in New Moon? So what exactly is the problem here? Why does she need to be human to go? And why does being a vampire mean she can't go? This "conflict" that Meyer is trying to create just doesn't jive and is frankly stupid. Meyer must know that to because as soon as it's brought up, it's solved a few pages later.
Talk then moves to more epic foreshadow. We get it Meyer. There will be a kid. Can we move on please? Also, no one dreams as much as Bella does. Seriously, this girl practically has a meaningful dream every freaking night. It's ridiculous and more instance of Mary Sueism. Hell, she even has ANOTHER dream this chapter (I think she has like three in this chapter alone) only surprise, this one is good (but she cries anyway). Edward comforts her, she throws herself at him, they have off screen sex. In the morning Bella is chastised (silly woman tempting her man with sex, how dare she) more disturbing dialogue about what survived the sex (somehow the bedframe broke...I don't want to know how) and talk of bruising and so on. Then at one point Bella asks Edward if he's mad they had sex. No. Really. She asks her HUSBAND if he's MAD that the two of them had (total willing) SEX. Just think about that for a minute and then come back to me when you've found logical arguements that say this is remotely healthy for any relationship.
More awkward bad dialogue and then the servants show up. Naturally they are a minority and we get racial stereotyping (incidently, Edward's Porteguese is described as "beautiful" while the actual native porteguese speaking people's talk is described as harsh. Think on that what you will). They clean while Edward and Bella cuddle and talk of future plans (Edward relents and lets her go to college; how generous of him) and then after they leave the two go off to have more off screen wild sex. Have I mentioned this book is BORING?

WORD LIST: none for this job, go Meyer!
GENERAL ANNOYANCES: BORING!

BREAKING DAWN: Chapter 5-Isle Esme

CHAPTER SUMMARY: Bella and Edward arrive at their honeymoon destination and have sex (off screen) and it's very damaging to Bella causing much angst and Edward deciding they're not going to do it again till she's a vampire. I meanwhile, am still bored to tears.

COMMENTARY/NOTES/THOUGHTS/REACTIONS:
This is yet another description heavy, with very little happening chapter. It also full of sap. I don't know about anyone else but this book feels to me like Meyer didn't really know what she wanted to do with it. It kind of feels like she didn't want to write it in the first place. I mean, I honestly feel like she's basically writing this for the sake of a paycheck and because fans demanded it of her. Because so far? This whole book is basically wishfullfillment after wishfullfillment with little to no conflict. It's BORING. Not that I really expected otherwise because the whole series is pretty much conflict free and full of wishfullfillment-itis, but really, it's the last book. You could at least attempt to go out with a bang. Well, who knows, maybe she'll surprise me in the next four hundred or whatever pages we still have to go. For those wondering why updates have been so erratic...I've just had little to no motivation to continue this. Literally this blog (and the fact that I had to actually pay for this five hundred page paper waster) is the only reason I'm still reading this crap. Once I'm done with this book, I'm done with Meyer. I thought of maybe picking up the Host to see if it's any better, and maybe even reading Bree Tanner and Midnight Sun for completeness sake but you know what? No. Just...no. I can't take anymore. So after this book, that's it. I refuse to give Meyer anymore money then she's already gotten from me. It's just not worth it. Especially if she's going to be this lazy with her writing.
Okay, moving on. As I said, more sap in this chapter and more heavy description. We get details of Bella and Edward traveling by plain to South America to land to a boat. Naturally, Edward not only speaks the local dialect fluently (it's Porteguese in case you're wondering), he can man the boat entirely by himself (being a girl, Bella doesn't know anything about boating nor does she offer any assistance whatsoever). You know, this perfect man sthick is getting old really fast for me. Just once, I'd like it if Edward DIDN'T know what to do in a situation or have a skill that he magically knows and does perfectly. Just to shake things up, you know?
Anyway, more description and turns out they're headed to Isle Esme (in case I couldn't figure that out by the title of the chapter) which is an island owned by Carlisle. Yes, he owns an island. AN ISLAND. Just...think about that and try to figure out how anyone can own an island nowadays. Not even Bill freaking Gates has his own island. Also I'm sorry, why don't the Cullens live on this island if being around them is so dangerous? So many plot holes in this one aspect (and that's not even counting the fact that this is wishfullfillment supreme: my hot husband has his own ISLAND!) that I'm going to just move on.
They arrive and more sap abounds along with more description heavy padding. Then we get Bella playing the role of one of the most overused tropes in romantic fiction: the blushing virgin bride. Because you know, a virgin totally wouldn't be excited and looking forward to sex. No, no. That's wrong tween girls who are reading this. You are supposed to be utterly terrified of the mere thought of sex like Bella here. Sorry, don't even try and say that this isn't what this whole scenario is trying to impress upon girls. I can practically feel Meyer standing over my shoulder telling me this is what I'm supposed to be like when the big day comes to lose your virginity. Oh, and naturally, I'm supposed to be married when I lose my virginity. I'm not trying to say this idea is absolutely wrong. If you want to be a virgin when you're married, kudos to you. Hope it works out. I'm saying this idea is incredibly naive and not very accurate (especially the part where girls are supposed to be terrifed about sex and not at all curious about it) and frankly, horribly old fashioned in this day and age.
So yeah, anyway, big cliche of the blushing virgin. We get heavy description once more as Bella prepares for the big moment (I can practically hear the Edward fangirls in the backround screaming get on with it ;)). She goes to meet Edward and they swim around and then...it cuts off we are treated to the morning after. I wonder how many fangirls felt cheated about this. Hell, I felt cheated about this and I'm not even a fan of this series. I mean, this moment was probably eighty to ninety percent of why girls picked up Breaking Dawn in the first place and they don't even get to read it!. It's just such a cop out. Though I don't know why I'm so surprised. I mean the woman can't write bloody war scenes, why would I expect that she'd be brave enough to step out of her comfort zone to write a sex scene?
Even worse then the big cop out, the morning after is filled with angst because it turns out that Edward was rather brutal during sex. Cue angsty "I'm a monster" Edward and "I love you anyway" Bella. Really, Meyer? AGAIN? Even after they're married and have had sex and are supposingly mature adults? But Meyer does try to switch it up I guess. This time Bella tries to smack Edward out of his angsty mood. Because you see, his angsty mood, is ruining her happiness at finally having sex. Our model couple, ladies and gentlemen.
Even more messed up is later when she inspects the bruises and decides she's HAD WORSE. Just...what? I don't even know where to begin with this just know that this is so so WRONG. Oh, and then immediately after deciding that, our supposingly not shallow at all heroine moans about the feathers in her hair that she got from the pillows that Edward busted during sex (that burst because he bit into them...yes I snickered at that, can you blame me?). Then it cuts to breakfast and the chapter ends with Edward declaring they aren't going to have sex until she is a vampire. Hm...I'm sorry, what happened to that whole sthick about Bella wanting to be equals? Because so far from what I've seen in this book...she's still letting Edward make all the decisions. Please, tell me something happens in this book soon.

WORD LIST: teeming, audibly, wintry
GENERAL ANNOYANCES: I am SO BORED NOW.
I frowned. I hadn't realized that Edward's extreme generosity was a learned behavior.-Because you know, being generous is such a bad habit to form. Good God, Bella.